Submitted on 2013/04/25 at 2:50 am

FAN: My moods seem to be determined by the energy I am in. I have a hard time telling the difference between good and bad energy. I do have symptoms like wanting to run away and get out or binge eating if it is bad energy. If if is good energy I feel the love I am happy funny and charismatic. Has anyone gone on Meds for bipolar? I am afraid to. I have had my whole life change in the past year, I’ve lost over 100 lbs and people treat me much different but since the weight loss I have severe ups and downs. My intution and perception have grown VERY strong to a point where it is driving me crazy because I see things people do not see. If anyone has any experience on medication please let me know!

REPLY: Congratulations on the weight loss that is huge! Do you have any tips? I am working on losing some weight myself right now I got rather ill with respiratory issues over the holidays this year so I was just eating whatever made me feel better thinking I could always take it off later. Not the best idea ever! I am taking it off but it was so not worth it lol. As for good and bad energy – I can find both in high doses to be quite overwhelming. Too much stimulation either way can lead me to shut down (depressed) or hypo-manic. Hypomania seems to come on when I’m feeling very excited and happy about things. It is frustrating to me that I can’t seem to just enjoy my emotion – I have to be so careful and not let it get too high. I have to be careful not to binge eat at night when I’m tired and I hardly know what I’m doing! I would probably be better off getting into bed but I work kind of late in the evenings and feel like I need that time to unwind. Of course, I am tempted to binge eat when I’m very stressed, too.

When I first received my dx I felt like medication did not work for me. I was about 25 at the time and had suffered mental illness since at least eleven or twelve. In the time before the dx I was given other meds that made things worse. I really hit rock bottom right before diagnosis. I had been doing things in my life that were very damaging to myself and my family. I thought since I finally, finally received the correct dx things would automatically get better – even though I had no job, had pushed away all my friends, and my relationship with my husband was a source of tremendous guilt for me (because of things I “did” to him). So I thought meds would fix all that :/ It is a mindset I developed as a kid – that I just needed to keep going, that I would find a “fix.” And I think it’s something that was instilled in me by all the medications and therapists pushed on me. Let’s take the kid here to get fixed, or there!

Flash forward to a few years ago and I was handling things without medication. Mania has never been my biggest problem, depression has. At this point I had a job, ran all the time, was slowly making friends and ate a strict vegan diet. The running literally saved my life as my marriage started to crumble. Then I discovered my husband was having an affair – for three years. I had no choice but to go on medication or I would not been able to function. Under this severe stress is where medication really shined for me. The meds immediately changed my thinking in a good way – the obsessive thoughts didn’t stop but I feel they were at a more “normal” level. Medication allowed me to take the initiative and save my marriage. Without it, I believe my marriage would have failed because my husband certainly wasn’t highly motivated – he was very conflicted.

I am now unsure if I will ever go off medications again. Who knows when a highly stressful event will occur in life? I want to handle it with grace – not fall on my face. I now realize this is a huge danger to bp folks. You feel better, you feel like maybe you don’t need the meds and maybe you don’t right now – but they aren’t really designed for the times you feel good. Of course I’m sure lots of people cope with stress better than me To address your specific comments – I think probably medication will help with what you see and perceive but I don’t take anti-psychotics so I have no experience with that class of medication (I’m thinking that’s what they would want to give you). I can tell you that right now I am on lithium (mood stabilizer), lamictal (mood stabilizer), klonopin (anxiety), trazadone (anxiety/depression). These medications work fairly well at controlling my bp symptoms. I used to have spontaneous mystic states and I don’t have them anymore. But I don’t know if that’s just the meds – I am also extremely busy and focused on my master’s degree which I also started three years ago. I have found that having something in my life that demands a great deal of concentration to be very stabilizing. It helps me with my routine, it gives me a sense of accomplishment, it grounds me to a certain extent – but I think it may close me off as well. If you think of the stereotype of the uptight intellectual who thinks they know it all and is not open minded – I think I have a bit of that in me. Although I am open minded! I’m just uptight, lol!

I know I have read in some bp books about medication for sensory defensiveness. I do not take anything to help with my sensory issues. I imagine some of those medications might be helpful as well – since you are sensing things that most people can’t/don’t want to acknowledge. I work in a library – so that eliminates most possibilities for an overload and I always try to have my earplugs handy. Sometimes at home I have to retreat to my bedroom because my thirteen year old has ADD. Do you think what you are seeing is a product of an overwrought mind or “legit” manifestations? At various times in my life I have perceived beings that seemed benign or positive – but I have also experienced what I consider hallucinations and I believe they come from my mind and images I’ve seen in horror movies. To this day I don’t take showers at night because I always used to see a bloody lady (think “carrie”) and felt like she was batting at the shower curtain as I showered. I believe at night my mind is “weaker” and more vulnerable. Do you notice places/activities/times that cause you the most grief?

Joanna

Recently at work I ran across a book titled “Science Left Behind: Feel-Good Fallacies and the Rise of the Anti-Scientific Left.”  For those who don’t know, I work at a library and one of my primary responsibilities involves entering new materials into our catalog.  I work on the back end “coding” all the item records so they come up when patrons search for them.  Through this responsibility and the responsibility of overseeing all inter-library loan items I am exposed to a great deal of books.  Inevitably (but rarely) I come across books I do not like and can barely stand to thumb through.  ”Science Left Behind…” is one such book and this blog entry is an opinion piece.

This book basically posits that liberals have used crap science to over sensationalize a variety of topics from global warming to organic food.  I could not really bring myself to look through this book to glean greater detail about the argument.  I honestly don’t know exactly what data is out there, what scientific studies are relevant to these subjects.  That is not my purpose in writing this post.  Instead, I was immediately struck by the bitter irony that the “science” of mental illness and women’s health issues is largely crap science.  I don’t really consider myself much of a political person, but at some point politics become intrinsic to important health issues.

Recently I came across a scientific article about bipolar disorder that horrified me.  Evidently at least in some cases, rodents are given speed to mimic the manic phase of bipolar.  When I came across this study I thought perhaps it was someone’s idea of a joke.  I cannot think of a better instance of crap science than putting mice on speed and equating it to a bipolar brain.  While some of the symptoms may look similar, the fact is we have no idea what actually causes bipolar symptoms.  And it’s not speed.  I’m pretty sure this crap comes from the status quo, not “the left.”

Last week I was at a specialist for women’s hormones.  I have terrible PMS and like some women with bipolar disorder, it makes my bipolar symptoms much worse.  At the conclusion of our meeting the doctor said, “hey, at least there’s a code on my form for PMS now.”  But even with that huge leap forward >.> the options my doctor and I spoke about are not covered by insurance.  As outlined by my doctor my options are:

1) Try the IUD Meridia which shuts cycling down with a low dose of hormones released for five years: 850.00, covered by some insurers but not mine (and mine is pretty good).  Payment plans are available for Meridia, but are still pricey with only a three installment option.

2) Shots that are effective for 3 months at shutting cycling down.  2,000 a pop, not covered by insurance since it is an “off-label” use and nothing is really researched and thus “proven” to work for PMS.

3) If the shot works, I could consider having my ovaries removed, but “that might be hard to go through at my age (31).”  No idea how much this costs, I would think in the tens of thousands.

I think pretty much everyone, especially women feel that PMS is real.  It’s not fake – and I know doctors used to tell women that. If we have such limited options to treat PMS I think that’s pretty much the same thing as telling a woman she is not important.  Maybe it’s not all in her head anymore, but it’s still not important and if you happen to have a huge problem for whatever reason, well then I guess you might be out of luck.  Women’s health issues and the health issues of the mentally ill are both marginalized and dominated by shit science.  I’m pretty sure “the left” is against marginalization of all kind?

What does a person have in life in they don’t have their health?  From where should they look for guidance and flexibility to make good choices for their health?  Where should they turn to for information?  From the folks who have been running the show?  Maybe some “liberal science” is shit science.  I don’t really know – but I kind of doubt it.  And if it is shit science then people have a choice whether to believe it or not.  On the other hand, I don’t really have a choice. I have bipolar disorder.  And women’s health issues.  No one understands why because the system isn’t set up to care about us, to spend those research dollars.

Of course, this is a wider issue than just mental illness and women’s health.  There are other marginalized illnesses.  Other people who can’t afford healthcare.  Would I be employed and working on my master’s degree without health insurance?  For some, this boils down to the very fundamental question of what kind of life we are able to lead.  I am so thankful that I have health insurance, and I have a support system that continues to advocate for me when I can’t advocate for myself.

I’ve written about sensory overload and some strategies to minimize it before, in the context of intuitive empathy.  I personally find it helpful and intriguing to look at bipolar through as many lenses as possible.  One of these lenses in the concept of sensory integration dysfunction and related concepts such as sensory defensiveness.  According to Wikipedia sensory integration dysfunction is: a hypothesized dysfunction of the vestibular system. It is characterized by increased or decreased sensitivity to stimuli.  A better definition can be found on the Wikipedia page for sensory processing disorder: this problem is a neurological disorder causing difficulties with taking in, processing, and responding to sensory information about the environment and from within one’s own body (visual, auditory, tactile, olfaction, gustatory, vestibular, and proprioception).  Sensory Integration dysfunction is not found in the holy bible of the mental health system, the DSM-V.  It does not seem to be well understood and the Wikipedia article on the “disorder” is very short.

In trolling the web for information about sensory dysfunction and bipolar disorder, I did come across a good deal of anecdotal evidence that sensory issues can be a real problem for a number of bipolar folks.  In the past I have written about how over stimulation seems to lead to hypomania for me and that my solution was to shut myself in a completely quiet, dark room.  Although I did not know about sensory dysfunction during past episodes, I recognized that further stimulation would only cause me to become more manic.  It was difficult for me to engage in sensory deprivation as I did because I had very strong urges and almost physical sensations in my body that I needed to be doing more.  At my most manic, I could not sit and write something down because it literally felt painful in my body.  Other blogs that have written about this issue agree that often mania is precipitated and worsened by inappropriately high levels of stimulation seeking behavior.

In a depressed state, over stimulation seems to happen quickly leading to high levels of irritation and a greater feeling of being overwhelmed.  This happens to me.  In particular I suffer from auditory and visual sensory defensiveness, or the inability to process auditory and visual information at the same speed and accuracy as neurotypicals.  Further, I become quickly overwhelmed and irritable when faced with “too much” visual and auditory information.  When I am depressed noises become more physically painful to me and I can handle even less stimulation.  Even on days I feel pretty stable it is fairly normal for me to wear earplugs around the house, especially if my husband and daughter are around.  Sounds like the ticking of an analog clock are unbearable for me at night time and I always wear ear plugs.  Even though I suffer from this extreme auditory sensitivity, I do not process sounds very well, particularly voices speaking to me.  I believe I hear what is said (if I don’t have ear plugs in lol) but I am constantly asking my husband “what?” and always have, since we met when I was eighteen.

The book Bipolar Disorders: A Guide to Helping Children and Adolescents argues that “Although it’s rarely addressed in the medical literature, extreme auditory sensitivity is actually fairly common in people with bipolar disorders. These patients will describe many normal sounds as affecting them like fingernails scraping a blackboard…”  The book recommends trying Auditory Integration Therapy for children.  This therapy involves listening to specially filtered and modulated music.  When I spoke with my normally open minded therapist about my sensory difficulties, she seemed to believe that it’s too late to help a brain integrate it’s senses properly once you reach adulthood.  The book goes on to state that: “sensory integration difficulties seem to be more common in people with bipolar disorders than the literature would indicate. These can include over- or undersensitivity to smell, taste, texture, types of touch, and even the forces of gravity.”

The book also reinforces that sensory issues often change depending on the current stage of the bipolar cycle.  It reads: “In bipolar disorders, sensory disturbances can be cyclical. A person in a manic phase may find that she has a heightened response to certain types of sensation. This increased sensitivity may be perceived as pleasurable, but in some cases it can be painful. Bipolar children seem to be especially sensitive to sensory input when they are in a depressed-irritable state, sometimes to the point of being unable to wear their usual clothes (jeans and socks are suddenly too scratchy), eat their regular diet (everything smells gross, tastes weird, and makes them feel like retching), or handle a normal level of sensory input (the sounds and smells of school or the shopping mall become rapidly overwhelming).”

I work in a library with the public and have learned to focus my attention very closely when patrons speak to me.  Often I will lean across the desk towards them with my head turned slightly to the side so I don’t have to look at faces.  I was diagnosed with PTSD as a teen based on my depression and dislike of looking at faces.  However, I think this is a sensory filtering issue.  Scientific studies have shown that bipolar folks don’t process visual and auditory information as well as neurotypicals.  So I filter out faces, which seem to be uncomfortably stimulating, especially when I am trying to process other information.  In this way I am usually quite successful in hearing what the patron has to say.  But I don’t always understand it.  I was once asked about antique books and I thought the patron meant our heritage collection of old books rather than books on antiques.  Everyone has duh! moments but I wonder if I might have a few more.

The study linked above explores visual processing deficits found in bipolar patients as compared to those suffering from schizophrenia   Scientists are beginning to think that schizophrenia and bipolar are more closely linked than previously thought since both populations suffer from similar levels of visual processing deficits “caused by” the same electrical activity in the same regions of the brain.  I would argue that links are likely to be discovered between ADHD, autism and bipolar as well.  All of these disorders seem to have a strong sensory component.  I am considering buying a weighted blanket, which has helped some folks with bipolar get a good night’s sleep.  It has been known for quiet a while that pressure seems to soothe the inflamed nervous system, usually in the context of autism.

Brain on Fire is not a book about bipolar.  Or at least, it it not directly about bipolar disorder.  The book is actually about many things, but the main story line follows a young woman’s descent into what at first appears to be severe mental illness.  The woman’s name is Susannah Cahalan and she raises questions in her memoir that will likely resonate with anyone who is mentally ill.  Susannah actually suffer(ed) from a rare type of encephalitis or inflammation of brain tissues due to an immune reaction.  This syndrome is called Anti-NMDA (N-methyl D-aspartate) receptor encephalitis and like many immune conditions, the cause is unknown.  Many young women appear to fall ill in conjunction with an ovarian teratoma or tumor of the ovary.  In other populations such as children, the cause is not known.  According to the book, thousands of patients have been diagnosed with this particular syndrome and related syndromes are being discovered.  Scientists believe that these syndromes are responsible for some cases of autism, schizophrenia and bipolar disorder.

In the course of Susannah’s memoir she describes the course of her illness beginning with wild mood swings vacillating between crying jags and euphoria.  She is initially diagnosed as bipolar.  What comes next is nothing less than harrowing.  Cahalan descends into paranoia so severe she is next suspected of being schizophrenic.  The final stage of the illness is catatonia and in some cases, death.  By the time Susannah was admitted to NYU she was already slipping into catatonia and showed significant cognitive impairment.  Cahalan’s illness progressed quickly, in a matter of eight weeks or so by my timing.  However other patients are known to present differently, especially children.  Syndromes such as Anti-NMDA Encephalitis may explain some treatment resistant forms of mental illnesses.  It can be detected by testing the spinal fluid of the patient for white blood cells.  An elevated count indicates inflammation of brain tissues.

Treatment involves cycling the blood out of the body and replacing the harmful immune laden plasma (white blood cells).  Steroids are typically used to depress the immune system and a treatment called IVIG  is sometimes used.  IVIG is an infusion of plasma from over one thousand donors.  All in all, Susannah Cahalan’s one month stay at NYU and her treatments cost around one million dollars.  Susannah got lucky: she had very good insurance and support systems in place.  Individuals labeled with a mental illness are still quite marginalized and often find themselves with a weak support system and few financial resources.  The doctors working to discover these syndromes point out that testing the spinal fluid of all mentally ill patients is cost preventative.  How many are suffering needlessly?

Susannah Cahalan’s memoir raises intriguing questions for those suffering from mental illness.  Is it possible that many cases of bipolar, schizophrenia and other mental illnesses are caused by inflammation?  Could less severe cases be due to chronic but less severe forms of encephalitis or other inflammatory conditions?  If our mental illnesses are not caused by inflammation are we suffering from another form of brain damage?  Are the “chemical imbalances” so often cited by physicians merely the result of an insidious attack on our brains?  Do the medications we take merely remedy the symptoms of a damaged brain?  I think it is too simplistic to expect that all folks who have a mental illness may be suffering from the same underlying cause.  However, I do think it is possible that many or most folks suffering from bipolar may have related underlying causation such as inflammatory conditions.  Anti-NDMA encephalitis is a brand new diagnosis, discovered only through one doctor’s observations of unusual similarities in a group of “mentally ill” young women.  In other words, in the past people with Anti-NDMA encephalitis would have been, without question relegated to an institution under the false belief they suffered from severe mental illness.  I can’t help but wonder if we too are just waiting for the discoveries and treatments that will illuminate the biological mechanisms responsible for our suffering.

The book is an unusual memoir because Susannah can’t actually remember a great deal of the time during which her encephalitis raged.  Footage from hospital cameras, brief diary entries and recollections of her family fill in the blanks.  Instead of creating distance, Cahalan skillfully intersperses these fragments with her present day, haunted voice.  Susannah is haunted by the time she lost and although she has a biological explanation for what happened to her, she still suffers the spiritual fragility of a person whose life went straight to hell.  Many of the issues Cahalan still struggles with will resonate with the mentally ill.  She fears a relapse.  She wonders if she is still the same person, with the same capabilities.  She also feels guilt that she survived and wonders how many people like her are locked away in institutions and nursing homes.  Overall, Cahalan’s story is an excellent echo of the experiences and concerns of mentally ill individuals.

According to my first Reiki teacher: “Reiki is a Japanese technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also promotes healing. It’s administered by laying on hands and can be easily learned by anyone.”  In my early twenties I suffered greatly from the ups and downs of bipolar and was taught Reiki by William Rand near Detroit.  At that time in my life I searched obsessively for anything that might cure my wild instability (which was as yet un-diagnosed).  Reiki did not cure me, but I did find a remarkable tool in my arsenal against the problems that ailed me.

Essentially Reiki is an energy healing technique.  It is Japanese in origin, and passed down through attunements from a master to a student.  Dr. Mikao Usui founded the practice of Reiki in the early 1920′s and stories tell us he received his attunement during a period of intense fasting and meditation.  I don’t personally have much experience in energy healing besides Reiki and Quantum Touch.  However I know that Reiki is not like many forms of energy healing.  The “healer” does not generate the energy.  It is believed to come from a higher power outside ourselves.  Reiki practitioners are required to do little to “turn on” the energy, only intend that it begin to flow.  Practitioners can also visualize specific symbols that are believed to help with certain issues and it is said that no negative energy is ever picked up by a Reiki practitioner.

I know some folks still feel wary of energy healing and think it might be a little woo-woo.  It’s not understood by science.  There is some research out there, but it rarely is vigorous enough to satisfy nay-sayers.  One scientist by the name of William Bengston has published a book called “The Energy Cure: Unraveling the Mystery of Hands-on Healing.”  In an interview he discusses the difficulty of a traditional scientific experiment with energy healing.  Essentially, mice were given cancer and cured 100% of the time by energy healers.  However, the control mice proved problematic.  A traditionally designed scientific study assumes that subjects can be segregated with ease.  However, Bengston found that mice raised together and shipped together resonated together.  Healing on non-control mice affected the control mice even though they were not physically together.

I still remember when the studies came out on prayer.  These studies fit into societal values and were well accepted, I think.  The studies found that prayer works.  Even individuals who don’t know they are being prayed for had better outcomes than control groups.  Will science ever be able to explain the mechanism behind prayer?  How about the mechanism behind bipolar?  In my opinion, prayer is an intention and Reiki is an intention as well.  For a Reiki practitioner the intention is mostly to get out of the way and allow the highest good to take place.  If prayer works why in the world wouldn’t energy healing?

To me, Reiki is a great place to start if a person is interested in energy healing.  It’s profoundly relaxing for the facilitator as well as the receiver.  I like it because I can be really lazy.  All I have to do is put my hands on myself, intend that the Reiki flow and then get out of the way.  Many times I have used Reiki to help me get back to sleep.  Lately I have noticed a tendency in me to try and control the Reiki.  If you want to be in control and directing things, Reiki might not be for you.  I have found this actually stifles the energy, much the same way a cramped calf stifles you from running forward any further.

I have used Reiki as a tool for myself far more than to help others.  However, I have been involved in a couple healing groups that were for Reiki.  The first group was a huge blessing in my life, but the second got a little strange.  Good groups generate wonderful energy.  So how can this help you in your bipolar life?  How has it helped me?  Reiki is an obvious tool to help manage stress and anxiety before it explodes into an episode.  It can help you sleep better, I find it helps me especially if I lay my hands on my head.  When I was very involved in Reiki I do feel it had a stabilizing effect on me.  You can run the energy to your medications, intending that only the good stuff gets through (remove side effects).

You can run Reiki to your food and water (sometimes called “charging”) to increase your health.  Use it in conjunction with meditation/intentions/prayers.  I often write out intentions and then hold them in my hands and run Reiki to them.  Intentions have often been a powerful force for me.  Even with the best medications or stabilizing forces we all need help achieving what we wish to achieve.  The symbols and Reiki energy can you help you achieve goals.  In my own observation, Reiki is a subtle and gentle form of energy healing.  This is very good for folks who tend to be a bit on the unstable side because it does not overwhelm.  This is not an energy healing technique that claims to knit bones or heal burns.  Although I’m certain Reiki would help with those issues, it tends to work more on the emotional/mental body than the physical, at lease from my personal experience.

I’m sure there are a million great ways to use Reiki, and some really innovative ways to use it in conjunction with bipolar.  Ironically I used it more before I knew I was bipolar.  I think what Reiki is trying to teach my right now is acceptance.  My job, studying for my Master’s and the demands of family have led me to become quite rigid.  But unlike my latest class assignment, Reiki doesn’t bend to my will!  It has it’s own time frame that I may not like.  As observed by the aforementioned author of the energy book, energy healing doesn’t work the way you would expect it to.  The energy healing techniques used by researchers did not immediately eradicate cancer cells in the sick mice.  It worked more subtly than that.  Running Reiki as I write this, I feel more at peace with myself and the world and the demands upon my time.  More interesting research on energy and energy healing can be found here.

Namaste

So I know some of you were probably thinking that my first post back was pretty short  Well that’s because I have a whole lot more percolating.  During my most recent episode I began to discover what researchers think about bipolar.  It turns out they think more about it than I realized.  When I did my reading and researching, I wasn’t thinking of blogging so my sources will remain ethereal.  In the future I plan to give sources for all these interesting tidbits!  So we all know the tired old story that bipolar has a strongly genetic

from Simon & Schuster

component right?  Well it turns out that one identical twin with bipolar predicts a 50% chance of the other twin developing bipolar when raised in different environments.  So one could infer that perhaps about 50% of a person’s chance of developing bipolar is related to environmental factors.  Of course this is all wishy-washy soft science, but it seems to make logical sense.  Now what could these environmental factors be you ask…some people think it could be dietary.  I don’t give a lot of credence to this idea because I was a strict vegan for over a year and it did not “cure” me by any means.  If I have to go any stricter than that it’s way more hassle than my meds!  But in all seriousness, it is possible that some dietary or other environmental factor is at play.  Researchers have found that the spinal fluid of bipolar patients present more inflammatory tissue than neurotypicals.  This is pretty interesting because many diseases once misunderstood are now known to be inflammatory conditions of one type or another.  Finally just for giggles bipolar folks do present unusual activity in brain scans, especially in the goal centers of the brain.

I work at a library and recently placed a hold for the book “Brain on Fire.”  The book is about a young woman who develops a severe mental illness as the result of an autoimmune condition.  Evidently about 217 people have been diagnosed so far and the condition (NMDA-receptor autoimmune encephalitis) could be linked to autism.  Folks with this condition produce antibodies that attack receptors in the hippocampus.  If enough of the receptors are attacked psychoses ensues.  When more receptors are incapacitated, catatonia ensues and eventually death in some cases.  I look forward to reading the book!  Check out an excerpt here.  It sort of boggles the mind to think such a relatively simple mechanism could be the cause of so much trouble.  Will researchers one day discover similar mechanisms in our brains?  And if they do can they “cure” us?  What would that mean?  Want to continue the conversation?  Visit the bipolar mystic Facebook page here.

I can’t believe it’s been over a year since I lasted posted to this blog.  Life hit a few speed bumps and I returned to my old friend, medication.  For a long time I felt confused about spirituality and bipolar.  Was it a spiritual affliction or not?  Could I handle it with spiritual tools or not?  At least at this point in my life, medication is important.  But that hardly negates the influence spiritual tools can have in our life.  Taking medication for diabetes doesn’t mean meditation and yoga won’t help too.  Our culture is one that constantly on the search for the magic bullet – the pill that will help everyone lose weight, or the one ingredient in a certain diet that helps ensure longevity.  The truth is there is no magic pill, and if there were a magic pill would it be in our best interest to use it?  Since I last posted I have experienced the typical ups and downs of bipolar.  I go about my life but I also continue to think about the big questions that have bothered me my whole life: why am I here, what is my purpose and why am I like this?  Sometimes I feel like maybe I’m a walking question mark.  I have often wondered if there is some *special* purpose that folks with mental illnesses could be fulfilling, an evolutionary advantage of some sort.  Or were we just a happy accident of early breeding since sexual maturity came before the onset of mental illnesses in many cases.  I know that I haven’t fully accepted the medical community’s story of bipolar.  Ok, it appears to be strongly genetic and caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals.  This story is so simplistic!  One hundred years from now will we look back and shake our heads, just as we do at our ancestor’s treatment of mental illness?  They say brain chemicals are unbalanced because giving a person a medication known to affect brain chemicals sometimes helps.  This would not past the muster in the hard sciences.  In my search for answers I have turned to others in the bipolar community and I have not found another voice like my own.  I continue to receive feedback on how helpful this blog has been to folks and I feel perhaps it’s time I spoke once again.  My new voice is interested in spirituality, but also in research and the big questions.  I hope to be a help to people, and to start a dialogue about the questions.  It’s no fun to talk about them all by myself!  So welcome to the new bipolar mystic.  Thanks for stopping by!  Interested in discussing any of the issues presented in this post?  Visit the bipolar mystic Facebook page.

Right now I am reading a book called Healing Wise.  One of the premises of this book is that any illness we experience is actually an ally for wholeness.   Not necessarily healing, but wholeness, so by the definition of this book a chronic illness would be applicable as a possible wholeness ally if treated properly.  One may never be healed of bipolar or say, MS, but one may still move towards wholeness.  How?  Good question.  When I started reading the book I felt very skeptical.  I thought to myself, bipolar mood swings as a healing ally?  Rightttt.  But being mystical by nature, I do sense and try to accept that there are certain things (including illnesses) that sometimes seem to only cause destruction in our lives, but are really intended for a higher purpose.  This is not about guilt, this is not about oh if only I’d not eaten so much meat/exercised more/taken more supplements.  It is about the acceptance of our limited understanding and faith that what seems like an obstacle is an opportunity for moving towards growth and wholeness.  A wonderful concept to be sure, but how is this concept practical in our lives?

As I have ruminated upon the message of this book, I have also visited the psychiatrist for the first time in several years.  Over the past couple years, my stress levels have consistently ratched up as I took on new goals.  Perhaps four years ago I had a huge bottoming out, a terrible depressive episode that had me in bed for months.  I gained almost seventy five pounds, I abandoned my friends and ending up

Healing Wise by Susun Weed

losing most of them.  I cut myself off from anything that could elicit much emotion or especially excitement/anxiety because for me this leads to hypomania/uncomfortable overstimulation.  A time of stagnation and medication for bipolar.  But it seemed to me the medication never really helped me much.  Over the past few years I have carefully applied myself to new goals, getting a job, making new friends, putting myself out there.

All this has culminated in a period of unprecedented stimulation for me: work, friends, starting a master’s degree program, my daughter starting middle school, my marriage wonderful, but still a work in progress.  In fact this weekend was extremely stimulating and I am still vacillating between hypomania and low periods.  I took the Amtrak train from Kalamazoo to Detroit for my orientation at Wayne State University in my Master’s of Library and Information Science program.  The orientation itself was pretty fantastic, I have to say I love my library people (shout out)!  But staying in a hotel, riding the train for a total of TWELVE hours over two days, going to a wedding the next day and partying till midnight left me a weeping puddle, literally.

With that context in mind, I had visited the psychiatrist a couple of weeks ago really just hoping to have someone on my team in case I needed it.  Instead, I got a prescription for Depakote and real questions in my mind as to whether this was really the path towards wholeness for me.  For some people it might very well be part of the path.  But as always, with medications for bipolar one must very carefully consider the risks and rewards.  Because these medications can be very dangerous.  Depakote can cause sudden liver failure and death, pancreatic problems, weight gain, hair loss, possible permanent “ticks” of the body and more.  All this for moods that typically vacillate between moderate depression to slight mania (hypomania).  Am I really the crazy one here???  Ok, bad pun, but really!

So for two weeks or so I’ve been contemplating the message in Healing Wise and the possibility of taking a really nasty medication that may or may not help control my “mood swings.”  Basically, I’ve decided that for me, this medication’s risks outweigh its benefits.  I’m not going to take it.  And furthermore, it brings questions into my mind about what I’m really missing out on when I try to medicate away what my body is trying to tell me.  I’m sure the experiences of someone who typically has severe depression or mania might need to more seriously contemplate medication as part of the process.  But for me, I can tell when I’m overstimulated and hypomanic.  I can tell when my mood is somewhat down.  And at this point, Healing Wise posits, you ask what.  What can I do to help decrease my hypomania?  And fortunately, I do know some things that help that don’t possibly cause liver failure or anything else.

And this is where your “mood swings” or just plain overstimulation/depression as a sensitive/intuitive/empathic person become an ally.  When experiencing slight mania or overstimulation, or moderate depression ask yourself what you can do to work with this particular mood state.  If moderately depressed, is it because you are isolating yourself to avoid stimulation?  Can you call a friend?  Go

Relax!

for a walk?  If you are overstimulated/hypomanic, can you do a guided relaxation, can you try to avoid extra stimulation for a few days?  In a hypomanic/overstimulated state I become aware that I am easily distractable, somewhat irritable and drawn to more stimulation!  I want to get on Facebook more, I don’t want to sleep as much as I need to sleep, I want to just eat junk food (which is very stimulating to your nervous system, especially processed sugars).  Possibly this is the automatic defense to block out the uncomfortable sensation of overstimulation.  Perhaps individuals who do not recognize this state continue to escalate.

In this case as always, you ask what.  What do I need?  I need to relax.  How can I do this?  For me I could:

-journal
-limit my facebook time
-listen to a guided relaxation
-sing (really this is a great “mood stabilizer” for me, if you like to sing, please give it a try!)
-exercise (for me running or vigorous exercise is best, but I am limited at this time with an ankle sprain)
-talk with a close friend or loved ones about how I am feeling (avoid critical, negative, or excitable people right now)
-express myself and my thoughts (hence the blog entry)
-practice a calming affirmation throughout the day, especially when your brain starts looping anxiety or even excitable thoughts
-drink a calming herbal tea
-keep on trying to stay as vegan as possible in my diet
-Limit, limit, limit extra stimulation as much as possible at least for a few days

These are some of the things that I know for sure help me.  As you notice, they fall into two simple categories of subtraction and addition.  Your “mood swings” could be powerful allies towards a more calm, peaceful life, whole life.  Take care of yourself!  Be aware of those things that stimulate.  Sometimes even a book can be too stimulating for me.  It’s not always easy to tell what is overstimulating, really listen to yourself.  Avoid these things when you feel overstimulated.  Indulge in them with moderation when you are feeling baseline.  Be aware of the tendency of intuitives/empaths/bipolars to isolate and feel depression as a consequence.  Make small goals if you feel stagnate.  Go gently with yourself.

Love & Light,

Joanna

I’m told frequently (usually by my husband) that meditation isn’t for everyone.  Maybe there are a few people out there that really genuinely for whatever reason don’t benefit from mediation.  For the rest, I say, maybe it’s not the meditation that’s wrong, maybe it’s the type of meditation.  Let me be honest.  I am fairly exhausted most the time.  Between my marital distress (which seems to be getting better thank goodness), an ADD child, work, a home to keep and all the interminable things I do to keep my BP in check without medication, my concentration is shot.  This week I spent cleaning my house and my child’s room and then going straight to work.  From one job to another!  The point being most of us are exhausted and overstressed, our concentration is lousy to non-existent and then we are asked to meditate!  It’s too much!  Or perhaps not…

There are in fact, many ways to meditate.  Wikipedia defines meditation in this way:

Meditation is a holistic discipline during which time the practitioner trains his or her mind in order to realize some benefit.^[1]

Meditation is generally a subjective, personal experience and most often done without any external involvement, except perhaps prayer beads to count prayers. Meditation oftentimes involves invoking and cultivating a feeling or internal state, such as compassion, or attending to some focal point, etc. The term can refer to the process of reaching this state, as well as to the state itself.^[2]

There are hundreds of specific types of meditation.^[3] The word, ‘meditation,’ means many things dependent upon the context of its use. People practice meditation for many reasons within the context of their culture. Meditation is a component of many religions, and has been practiced since antiquity, especially by monastics. To date, the exact mechanism at work in meditation remains unclear.

When I’m exhausted and my concentration is shot, I couldn’t sit and chant OM if my life depended on it, which it just might.  However, one thing that I can do quite easily and with minimal effort on my part is a guided meditation in audio format.  I think this is a great way to begin a meditation practice and start to build some moderate ability to quiet the mind, relax, and build concentration.  It’s also a great tool when you’re just too stressed to do a traditional meditation.  The downside in a guided meditation you go where the guide takes you, rather than necessarily following the dictates of your own heart and spirit.  However, if it’s all you can manage, it is certainly much superior to frustrating yourself over attempts to sit still and say OM .  You still get many benefits of traditional meditation, which are well documented as a little understood but highly effective method of managing stress (life)!

My favorite guided meditation is actually a series of affirmations guided by Deepak Chopra, called The Soul of Healing Affirmations A-Z Guide to Reprogramming the Software of the Soul.  Affirmations are basically positive statements you make to yourself to replace the negative story we play in our minds about our lives.  It gets 4 1/2 out of 5 stars on Amazon, quite deserving in my opinion.  You can listen to excerpts here http://www.amazon.com/Healing-Affirmations-Guide-Reprogramming-Software/dp/B0012SAT7S/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=music&qid=1281791875&sr=8-1 

Deepak Chopra has a mild Indian accent but is a beautiful narrator.  There is wonderful background music as well.  This is a must have on my MP3 player.  Unfortunately, many of the guided meditations I’ve tried are irritating in some aspect.  Often times the narrator comes across as not all that spiritual (definitely not a problem with Chopra’s work), has an irritating voice, with no accompaniment of relaxing music.  I’d be willing to bet any guided meditation by Deepak Chopra is excellent.

This need not be a costly endeavor.  Go to your local library and see what’s available there.  See if you can get exactly what you want by requesting a material or going through an interlibrary loan.  Try out different cds and don’t get discouraged if some are not for you! 

-J

As an individual with Bipolar, I am continually fascinated by the scientific work being done to learn more about Bipolar.  Unfortunately, most of what we know about Bipolar and mental illness remains speculative.  Could there be more to the story than a different kind of brain?  Is this different brain designed by God/dess for more than madness – in fact for a kind of emotional brilliance?  Is there in fact a purpose to our illness that few could guess at?  Could there be other, little known but effective ways of managing Bipolar for some individuals?  Recently I ran across an article that piqued my interest.  The article discussed intuitive empathy as an explanation for some people who are diagnosed as Bipolar.  An excerpt of the article (http://www.paranominal.com/parapsychology/18603/the-bipolar-empath.html) reads:

“The most common psychiatric diagnosis among those with extraordinary empathic skills is Bipolar Disorder. Also known as manic depression, manic-depressive disorder and bipolar affective disorder, this diagnosis describes a category of mood disorders. In the case of many empaths, there are presences of a multitude of episodes of abnormally elevated mood throughout their lives. Moods bounce back and forth from major depression to times of mania or experience both emotions simultaneously. Episodes of one mood or another can last days, months, even years at a time. In extreme cases, empaths can experience psychotic symptoms such as delusions and hallucinations. Depressive episodes are associated with distress and disruption leading to elevated risk of suicide. Manic episodes are associated with creativity, goal striving and positive achievements, though usually acted out without forethought or logical thinking.

Empaths tend to have mild to severe bipolar disorders throughout childhood and adulthood. Periods of heightened emotional stress can accelerate the disorder as well as increases in empathic sensitivity. Increased empathic sensitivity can lead to stronger and more frequent episodes just as periods of heightened emotional stress can increase empathic sensitivity. While this disorder may always be an underlying part of the empath, there are treatments that can help bring the disorder into varying levels of control. Treatments include psychological based behavior therapy and stress management and psychiatric based medicative treatments. Empaths are encouraged to meditate on their empathic skill as a means to focus their transmission and reception of emotions as to spare themselves and others of unnecessary additional stress. Some empaths may find control through meditation via attempting to narrow the reception/transmission channel that they use to send and receive emotional packages of information. Ignoring a condition such as bipolar disorder will only lead to increased complications, sensitivity and frequency of episodes.”

At the time I came across the article I had already been reading about Intuitive Empathy in the book Positive Energy by Judith Orloff and was researching any possible link between the phenomenon of empathy and bipolar disorder.  In her book, Dr. Orloff (a psychiatrist who uses energy medicine as part of her practice) published the following quiz:

Am I An Intuitive Empath:

-Have I been labeled as overly sensitive?
-If a friend is distraught or in physical pain, do I start feeling it to?
-Am I drained in crowds, going out of my way to avoid them?
-Do I get anxious in packed elevators, airplanes, or subways?
-Am I hypersensitive to noise, scents, or excessive talking?
-When I see gruesome newscasts, does my energy plummet?
-Do I get burned out by groups, require lots of time alone to revive?

I personally answer yes to every criteria.  Bipolar individuals are typically somewhat to extremely sensitive individuals, and some scientists speculate our disorder could be related in some ways to Autism spectrum disorders, where the classical symptoms include extreme hypersensitivity and sensory overload.  Are some Bipolar individuals responding on some level to emotional overload?  Of course, this is all speculation and perhaps more speculative to some individuals than what few definitive things science has to say about Bipolar Disorder.  However, the beauty of this speculation is that it leads to some interesting possibilities for how we view the evolutionary and spiritual significance of Bipolar and mental illness, and for complementary treatments to the usual medication/therapy/supplements.  I recently read the latest book by Temple Grandin, an autistic woman who has achieved great success in her life designing equipment for livestock containment and processing.  In her book, Grandin discusses the gifts of autism and speculates that while the rest of the prehuman tribe were banging rocks together, it was the autistic mind that saw the design for the arrowhead locked within the rock (Grandin also has a strong belief in God).  In essence she speculates that autism and in drawing my own conclusions, perhaps other forms of mental illness may serve a purpose we cannot possibly fathom through all the scientific inquiry in the world.  A purpose that requires a leap of faith, sure.  In my own life I have been blessed with occasions on which intuitive empathy did serve a purpose.  I have the ability to sense things about people, even people I’ve just met, that can be of great service.  Dr. Orloff, an intuitive empath herself, uses her skills to deepen her abilities to help her patients.  Imagine walking into a psychiatrists’ office and having him or her be able to sense or see where your problems are before you even say a word?  Imagine this person applying her skills to help you in your life…how much faster that process would be!  Little need for the exhaustive questionnaires filled out, the hours spent trying to pinpoint problems!

Of course the flip side of this coin is picking up on everybody’s energy all the time, which not surprisingly, pretty much makes you crazy.  If there is a connection between Bipolar and Intuitive Empathy, new treatments are needed that involve meditation techniques used to shield empaths from emotional and energetic overload.  Dr. Orloff’s book is an excellent resource, containing many meditations, prayers and techniques to live a centered life, empath or not, Bipolar or not.  Incidently, science has shown us that meditation, prayer and even hands on healing are very real phenomenons.  Dr. Oz from the Oprah show uses hands on healers on his patients before and after surgery and has reported faster healing times.  Prayer and distant healing now have good studies showing efficacy.  These ideas are becoming mainstream because they work.  Is it any coincidence that every religion on earth seems to have it’s own form of meditative practice (whether prayer, Buddhist mantras, whatever).  I personally believe there is a purpose to my disorder, and that God/dess has allowed me to come into being through evolution into this body with it’s particular properties for a reason.   

Some final thoughts on this subject: I was pretty darn happy as a small child.  In fact I would say I was blissful.  When did this all come to a screeching halt?  Many things contributed to it, some of which I will not be getting into.  One of the things, which if you are not bipolar, or not sensitive, you won’t understand, was nursery school.  One day I found myself plopped down amongst unfamiliar energy, unfamiliar emotions and it was way, way too much for me.  My mother tells me I would sit by myself in the corner (sounds a bit like autism, eh?).  I was experiencing a terrible, painful overload.  What human being wants to sit alone in a corner and not be amongst others?  This is the pain many Bipolar people continue to suffer, perhaps needlessly in some cases (meditatative techniques help make my life a lot more liveable even in groups). 

No matter what science can tell us about Bipolar and mental illness, there is one question science will never be able to answer, and that is the spiritual question of why we are made this way. 

-J