Posted by: bipolarmystic | June 3, 2010

My Spirit Story

I consider myself a born mystic.  When I was a very young child, I remember the feeling of the world pressing all around me like the pressure of diving deep underwater.  But it was a wonderful pressure, a great sense of wonder and perfect peace.  I felt God (for simplicity’s sake I will just call this higher power God, although I personally relate to this power in many different ways), all around me and within me.  I was for all intent and purposes a single child, my closest sibling nine years older than me.  I did not mind being alone, because I never felt alone.  I always felt surrounded by love from beings of light, from God, from myself.  Of course, these worldly perfections cannot last.  Terrible things happened in my young, young life, as they happen in many other people’s lives, and many have suffered much more than me.  But for me, the result was like a fracture of self, like shards of glass grinding up against each other.  Cutting away at the truth I knew when I was a small child.  I grew to loath myself, as many do. 

I believe I would have committed suicide had it not been for my mystical, or extremely spiritual nature.  I always felt a still small voice, even when I felt my most alone, my most desperate.  The voice was there, whispering that there is a purpose to my life.  A sense of God’s hands on my shoulder’s if you will, turning me about to look at the beauty of the world whether I liked it or not.  I could not turn away from the world, much as I might have like to at times.

I was raised a Nazarene, but of course that was not the right path for me.  How can you be a mystic when everything is already interpreted for you?  One answer is the only answer did not feel like God’s perfect love to me.  It felt tight, confining, while God’s love is the opposite, all encompassing and forever expanding.  When you feel God for yourself the way I do, one way to heaven or hell is a terrible twisting wound, not unlike the spear in Jesus’s side or the crown of thorns…

And so as a young adult I ventured out into the world afraid of many things, but also afraid of violating the doctrine I was raised with.  But fear did not stop me, how could it, when I FELT the truth for myself?  And so I explored many things: reiki, quantum touch, crystals, angels, meditation, yoga, Goddess faiths, Interfaith, UU.  Finally I found a place where people of any faith could come and be respected and loved.  We would gather together to learn the common threads that bind all religions, and in the end it all came down to love.  We sent light into our community and prayed for peace and unity.  Although this place no longer exists physically and we lightworkers are scattered, we still hold the light, in fact we have no choice but to hold the light because spirit compels us.

When I was diagnosed as bipolar, it came as a blindside.  Yes, I had problems, yes I was still very immature in some ways…yes I had periods of terrible depression and periods of high energy…my pride kept me from seeing the areas of my life that needed work.  It was a terrible wound to my spirituality.  Suddenly everything I had experienced was cast into doubt.  For two years I just shut down.  I lost my friends.  I lost my way.  I started to gain some momentum in life through exercise and getting a new job when BAM my bedrock, the person who had carried me through all those terrible times, my husband, became undependable.  I have been with my husband almost ten years.  I am co – dependent upon him.  Suddenly I was back to hating myself again.  I knew if I was going to save my marriage I would have to use ALL the tools at my disposal. 

And so I open again to spirit, and found it there waiting all along.  I look again to find the love within.  I painfully grasp after love from my husband, who continues to love me but has difficulty showing it right now.  What is left to me but God?  And so I return, pick the toolbox back up and open it.  The tools are meant to be shared, and this will be the purpose of my blog, in the hopes that BP/mentally ill/people who are hurting will find the tools to help them as well.  Also I hope to learn new tools and new information and new ways of looking at bipolar/mental illness from a spiritual perspective.

Blessings,

-J

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Responses

  1. I’m from the Bipolar forum, where I write under the name of Mrs Mundane.

    I am so delighted to have, almost by accident, come across this exceptional blog and I would like to congratulate you with all my heart.

    I have long suspected everything that you write about to be true, and while formal religion has at times made my life harder, my spiritual nature has saved me.

    I’ll leave a comment on the forum too.

    Keep writing.

    Best wishes
    Alex

    • Thank you for your kind comments!

  2. I can not tell you how thankful i am for finding your blog. Everything you said about your journey and experiences with bipolar, being a empath and being intuitive. Its exactly the same as my experience and journey. I felt like i was reading my journal. Thank you for sharing and validating that i am not alone in my experiences and journey.

    Love,
    Megan


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